Yes, many unethically farmed fish were harmed making these scaly pink pantaloon-chaps (patent pending), but you won’t care when he’s fanning you with a cut-by-hand paper fan in 115-degree heat and gives you one of his friendship chokers as a souvenir of your groovy and unrepeatable connection. Tiny mirrors on the jacket serve an additional function as backlighting for Instagram: no filters required!
If Olivia Newton-John and the lead singer of Devo had kids, you’d get these two, who have clearly completed the 90 Day Beach Body challenge for 365 days and are keeping European Wax Centers in business. Leotards will light up upon request. Jump squats and burpees can be arranged at the going rate of $1 per minute. If you place your head over the leotard hole, you can snap an awesome selfie that will be instantly blocked on social media.
Ziggy Stardust meets the abs of a Peloton instructor meets crazy yoga teacher “follow your bliss” lady meets Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony. At night, however, this fellow has a signature pickup line that works for every pony: “Ever slept in the stars? I’ve got so many constellations to choose from, although I’d recommend the Big Dipper, which is conveniently located in my lap. No, you won’t need a telescope.”
Although this bunny appears to have gotten lost on the way to Burning Man, at least his basket is strategically placed, even if he’s already done the hunting and “gathering.” Still, nice kicks.
MEN IN ACK
These three dweebs were in a punk rock band called Thunder Heaven in their Midwestern high school, and since they never could sing and still can’t, they’ve come up with another act: taking the so-called “twinning” trend to the unnecessary “tripletting” level. Also available as lawn ornaments for that flamingo-themed party you’ll never have. Added bonus: no Violent Femmes covers, although they do know how to harmonize to every Air Supply song, another totally useless skill.
Fashion inspo: Albuquerque Balloon Festival, every Jurassic Park movie ever made, and those floatable bath toys popular with toddlers the world over. This is what happens when you wait until the last minute to plan a child’s birthday party. When the bouncy houses, clowns, and unicorns are taken, you get this guy. He can make balloon animals, though. This is also a fallback outfit if, unlike many festgoers, you haven’t been drinking Skinny Tea and doing 450 situps a day. In that case, the dinosaur balloon is the new flattering tankini.